it's a saturday night, and jen (as usual) resigns herself to sticking her face into something big, black, and hollow.

I know that you get good deals on WingNite at O'Connors, but this is ridiculous... And wholly unsolicitied I might add.. 

My top 5 favorite badasses

5. Marcel Duchamp."
This guy is so badass that one day, he was "like fuck that shit, i dont want to have to work hard to be an artist." So he invented modern art by just signing an old urinal and calling it art.

4. Spudnic from "Salute your shorts."
Man this guy was great, besides his amazing red mullet, he managed to sneak in candybars and burgers into the camp on a daily basis, wow hes def. someone to look up to.

3. Clifford the big red dog
That Emily girl had no idea what she had. She made clifford into a fucking pussy. If i had clifford for myself I would put fake scales on him to make him look like that dog/dragon thing from neverending story, Then I would ride him around main st. and make him eat all the annoying chinese people ( note: There was supposed to be irony in clifford eating chinese people because they eat dogs.)

2. Vlad the Impaler.
Umm hes name is Vlad the impaler........thats it

1. Lo Pan from "Big Trouble Little China."
Oh man Lo Pan is the underground master of chinese magic. But not only does he have amazingly long fingernails, and crazy long beard but he steals some chinky girl AND Kim Catrell, from sex and the city, to become his brides in his mortal life. Wow what a pimp. Kurt Russel you have nothing on this guy.

ARRRRRRRRR

A historical concept spawned the basis for my last encounter. In memorium of Tampa being invaded and plundered by burly, toothless pirates, the City throws a South Florida Day-Long Mardi Gras. Instead of getting up early to attend the parade, I chose to attend festivities beginning early in the night at the fairgrounds .... IN THE CITY.... I had a funnel cake and rode on the Himalayan whilst pointing at the homeless mexican living on Brolein and 22nd.

We then jumped the trolley with the well-dressed pirateers and flowed into Howl at the Moon. I was having an uneventful night because it was automatically assumed I was dating my roommated because we walked in together. It was hot guy mecca. Never have I seen so much pretty dick in my life. However, my handicap (and my inability to talk to guys) was striking me out. So, I settled for "Pirate Guy", dressed in ripped white-washed jeans and the remnants of a ruffled pirate shirt. We are unaware of his name or occupation, because 1) who remembers those things and 2) the only words that came out of his mouth were "you're cute".

He had a completely bald/shaved head, was moderately good looking for a 31 yr old man, and could take a joke. I must have asked him where his kids went to school at least five times, and told him how he was 10 when I was one at least four times. Unfortunately for me, he was a bad kisser and I was forced to run out after learning that this weekend at HOM there will be a "HATE YOUR VALENTINE'S DAY PARTY". I will bring a picture of an ex-bf in order to get in for free. Hopefully, I can find some sad fuck who is sadder than me and more of a drunk. Time to work the "vulnerability" angle.

Memorandum From the Oral Office

RE: UPDATE

Kevin Connor is henceforth banned from Sextopia resultant of his a) overzealousness and b) inability to please.

Sincerely,
Jen Box

Guidelines and Rules for Mooching off of Jen Box

It has come to my attention that I have friends for two reasons only:

1- I paid about $400 a semester for them back at da wac.
2- Now that I make da bling bling, they are expecting me to buy them beer and dildos.

Little do they know, I am 97.3% "jewed". My dad was born and raised in israel and my mom, though she had a Lutheran upbringing, screwed a bunch of underaged jewish jewjews. Therefore, not only do I spend nothing on anyone but me, I even put myself on a budget, and I constantly complain about forking out more than a dollar at a time. I don't really know why none of my friends have noticed this before....maybe because I pay them to let me hangout with them?

I have noticed lately that these friends have been putting forth their expectations of this relationship. Since these are the only people who wont kick me out of their parties, I feel I need to give in, though this wasn't part of the original agreement. I will, however, lay out some ground rules. Therefore, I hereby state to all who mooch off of me:

1- There shall be no sex in the boom-boom room unless it involves me.
1a - a celery stick and some clorox would also be nice.

2- I must have a jar of jiffy peanut butter (smooth) and a cat by my side at all times. Lucky for me, String has plenty of da poossy.

3- I agree that a black man would be a great asset to our home of constant drunken debauchery.Especially for Carla Taint, who never seems to satifsy her jungle feva.
Flava Flav...nuf said.

4- Since Rin, without question, claimed me first, she shall be my secretary in the oval office. If anything or anyone should go down, she will at all times be involved and shall provide video feedback.
Adendum to 4- Kevin Connor shall never be allowed in our house. His wretched stench and constant meaningless banter about Chipotle burritos would be the demise of our usual sex-crazed euphoria.

5- Carla Taint will be our pet. This entitles her to a cage down in a corner of the basement. Any physical contact must involve a collar, a chain, and flea spray. She tends to get a bit wild, especially when she has hold of a bone.
Note: Make sure to give her my bone regularly.

6- Video cameras providing audio and video streamline will be installed in the toiletbowls in each bathroom, but do not worry, I will absolutely not be monitoring these tapes from my bedroom while daydreaming about Rosie O'Donnell.

7- All toys must be cleaned immediately following use. Aimee will have enough brackish substances to clean on various pieces of furniture and sink faucets. She shouldn't have to clean our toys as well. We may need to implement a rotation on this, somewhat like a dishwashing schedule.

And finally,
8- The Chubby G is not for public pubic use. This is reserved for my own sensual pleasures.


Failure to comply with any of these rules may result in expulsion from the house, along with a good-bye anal raping.

My Response to Carla Taint's Indecent Proposal

I'm All for wild relationships that aren't relatinoships. As long as we can make an agreement to never disclose or reveal any sort of emotional ties to one another, I am satisfied with this arrangement. Jen Cox makes way more money this year than I will make in my entire life.

Instead of living in sin with just Jen, I will be living in the HOUSE of sin. I would prefer either razor scooters or big wheels as opposed to bikes (for the safety issue already stated in Carly's proposal). In this matter, I also suggest naked bumper cars.. Or at least skee ball, cuz skee ball iz da bomb.

Instituting this communist society would be redefining the hippie movement of the late 60's but in the context of the 20th century. Although I called Jen Box first, I am willing to share her wealth with my comrades in sin and whorishness. I agree that we need a "resident black snake", because without one our commune would be severely incomplete and would sink into permanent disrepair. Trying to overcome this inadequacy would only prove to take away from our sexually adventurous endeavors.

This will be more of an adult senior week lasting for years. Drunken hook-ups sans remorse and late night retard sessions instigated and videotaped by our supporter and founder, Jen Box. It somehow seems vaguely familiar and reminiscent of a year gone by: Senior Year. If only we could travel back in time to Allegany and suck in more boys to use interchangeably between us in horrible ways. Oh wait. Actually, that is THIS year with Amy and Carla Taint. Maybe you should stop hooking up with the middleman and just get it over with.

"Friends" are people that share the same fuck buddy.... And inevitably, the same diseases. Here's to you Amy and Carly.

jen box=caregiver to us all

this is a conversation that i had with jeff string today. i believe it is extremely insightful and true! and i have invested all of my faith into making this dream come true.

cArLyPgHs: i have done pretty much no work on my thesis so i think i might be graduating with your class
cArLyPgHs: i am a slackercArLyPgHs: and an alcoholic
string9721: haha
cArLyPgHs: and slacker and alcoholic=LOSER!
string9721: its all good
cArLyPgHs: i am just gonna mooch off of jen box for the rest of my life, she will be my life partner
string9721: i know
string9721: i think we all should
cArLyPgHs: word
string9721: we can all live together in a wild relationship
cArLyPgHs: and jen can go to work everyday and we can just clean the house in the nude and shit like that
cArLyPgHs: and ride bikes!
string9721: hahaha
cArLyPgHs: but not naked riding bikes cause that could be dangerous
string9721: yeah very
cArLyPgHs: we would be like an incestuous brady bunch!
string9721: lol its not incestuous, its the wild sex house where anyone is doing anyone
string9721: wild
cArLyPgHs: thats wild shit...sounds like a good time
cArLyPgHs: i'm in!!!!!!
string9721: haha
string9721: ill bring jaron
string9721: the resident black snake
cArLyPgHs: yea, we will need that
cArLyPgHs: add a little flava into the house
string9721: haha

Now Rin, i know that you had previously called Jen Box first but i really think that if we all combine our forces we can really accomplish a lifestyle that would would make all of us fruitful and happy. I urge you to think about it, at least over night then let me know your intentions. If you are still at a disagreement with me than i have no other choice but to fight to the death for the partnership of Box.

It's Official: Megsy Chows Box

her story, word for word:
so i was at work last night and i was closing, so i was the last person there. there were about 5 customers in the bar, and 3 of them were people that work there. i'm just standing around, and one of the guys [who's in his mid 30's] told me to come over and have a drink with them blah blah blah. so he's ripped already, and he says to me "you and i need to have a heart to heart sometime." and i laugh, knowing that he's gonna tell me he's gay. because he is.
so about 5 minutes later he whispers to me"i'm gay." and i say, "i know."
HE THEN ASKS "ARE YOU?"
i laugh and say no, i get that all the time. and he said, "really? because i always thought you were." OH MY GOD. so i once again said no, sorry, to which he replies,"oh man...that's too bad, because i was gonna fix you up with my friend. you're perfect for her. i already called her to tell her about you."