i mean...

2005-03-10T23:18:00.000-05:00

it's a saturday night, and jen (as usual) resigns herself to sticking her face into something big, black, and hollow.

2005-03-10T23:16:00.000-05:00

I know that you get good deals on WingNite at O'Connors, but this is ridiculous... And wholly unsolicitied I might add..

My top 5 favorite badasses

2005-02-25T12:36:00.000-05:00

5. Marcel Duchamp."
This guy is so badass that one day, he was "like fuck that shit, i dont want to have to work hard to be an artist." So he invented modern art by just signing an old urinal and calling it art.

4. Spudnic from "Salute your shorts."
Man this guy was great, besides his amazing red mullet, he managed to sneak in candybars and burgers into the camp on a daily basis, wow hes def. someone to look up to.

3. Clifford the big red dog
That Emily girl had no idea what she had. She made clifford into a fucking pussy. If i had clifford for myself I would put fake scales on him to make him look like that dog/dragon thing from neverending story, Then I would ride him around main st. and make him eat all the annoying chinese people ( note: There was supposed to be irony in clifford eating chinese people because they eat dogs.)

2. Vlad the Impaler.
Umm hes name is Vlad the impaler........thats it

1. Lo Pan from "Big Trouble Little China."
Oh man Lo Pan is the underground master of chinese magic. But not only does he have amazingly long fingernails, and crazy long beard but he steals some chinky girl AND Kim Catrell, from sex and the city, to become his brides in his mortal life. Wow what a pimp. Kurt Russel you have nothing on this guy.

ARRRRRRRRR

2005-02-08T22:07:00.000-05:00

A historical concept spawned the basis for my last encounter. In memorium of Tampa being invaded and plundered by burly, toothless pirates, the City throws a South Florida Day-Long Mardi Gras. Instead of getting up early to attend the parade, I chose to attend festivities beginning early in the night at the fairgrounds .... IN THE CITY.... I had a funnel cake and rode on the Himalayan whilst pointing at the homeless mexican living on Brolein and 22nd.

We then jumped the trolley with the well-dressed pirateers and flowed into Howl at the Moon. I was having an uneventful night because it was automatically assumed I was dating my roommated because we walked in together. It was hot guy mecca. Never have I seen so much pretty dick in my life. However, my handicap (and my inability to talk to guys) was striking me out. So, I settled for "Pirate Guy", dressed in ripped white-washed jeans and the remnants of a ruffled pirate shirt. We are unaware of his name or occupation, because 1) who remembers those things and 2) the only words that came out of his mouth were "you're cute".

He had a completely bald/shaved head, was moderately good looking for a 31 yr old man, and could take a joke. I must have asked him where his kids went to school at least five times, and told him how he was 10 when I was one at least four times. Unfortunately for me, he was a bad kisser and I was forced to run out after learning that this weekend at HOM there will be a "HATE YOUR VALENTINE'S DAY PARTY". I will bring a picture of an ex-bf in order to get in for free. Hopefully, I can find some sad fuck who is sadder than me and more of a drunk. Time to work the "vulnerability" angle.

Memorandum From the Oral Office

2005-02-08T22:05:00.000-05:00

RE: UPDATE

Kevin Connor is henceforth banned from Sextopia resultant of his a) overzealousness and b) inability to please.

Sincerely,
Jen Box

Guidelines and Rules for Mooching off of Jen Box

2005-01-31T11:43:00.000-05:00

It has come to my attention that I have friends for two reasons only:

1- I paid about $400 a semester for them back at da wac.
2- Now that I make da bling bling, they are expecting me to buy them beer and dildos.

Little do they know, I am 97.3% "jewed". My dad was born and raised in israel and my mom, though she had a Lutheran upbringing, screwed a bunch of underaged jewish jewjews. Therefore, not only do I spend nothing on anyone but me, I even put myself on a budget, and I constantly complain about forking out more than a dollar at a time. I don't really know why none of my friends have noticed this before....maybe because I pay them to let me hangout with them?

I have noticed lately that these friends have been putting forth their expectations of this relationship. Since these are the only people who wont kick me out of their parties, I feel I need to give in, though this wasn't part of the original agreement. I will, however, lay out some ground rules. Therefore, I hereby state to all who mooch off of me:

1- There shall be no sex in the boom-boom room unless it involves me.
1a - a celery stick and some clorox would also be nice.

2- I must have a jar of jiffy peanut butter (smooth) and a cat by my side at all times. Lucky for me, String has plenty of da poossy.

3- I agree that a black man would be a great asset to our home of constant drunken debauchery.Especially for Carla Taint, who never seems to satifsy her jungle feva.
Flava Flav...nuf said.

4- Since Rin, without question, claimed me first, she shall be my secretary in the oval office. If anything or anyone should go down, she will at all times be involved and shall provide video feedback.
Adendum to 4- Kevin Connor shall never be allowed in our house. His wretched stench and constant meaningless banter about Chipotle burritos would be the demise of our usual sex-crazed euphoria.

5- Carla Taint will be our pet. This entitles her to a cage down in a corner of the basement. Any physical contact must involve a collar, a chain, and flea spray. She tends to get a bit wild, especially when she has hold of a bone.
Note: Make sure to give her my bone regularly.

6- Video cameras providing audio and video streamline will be installed in the toiletbowls in each bathroom, but do not worry, I will absolutely not be monitoring these tapes from my bedroom while daydreaming about Rosie O'Donnell.

7- All toys must be cleaned immediately following use. Aimee will have enough brackish substances to clean on various pieces of furniture and sink faucets. She shouldn't have to clean our toys as well. We may need to implement a rotation on this, somewhat like a dishwashing schedule.

And finally,
8- The Chubby G is not for public pubic use. This is reserved for my own sensual pleasures.

Failure to comply with any of these rules may result in expulsion from the house, along with a good-bye anal raping.

My Response to Carla Taint's Indecent Proposal

2005-01-25T22:49:00.000-05:00

I'm All for wild relationships that aren't relatinoships. As long as we can make an agreement to never disclose or reveal any sort of emotional ties to one another, I am satisfied with this arrangement. Jen Cox makes way more money this year than I will make in my entire life.

Instead of living in sin with just Jen, I will be living in the HOUSE of sin. I would prefer either razor scooters or big wheels as opposed to bikes (for the safety issue already stated in Carly's proposal). In this matter, I also suggest naked bumper cars.. Or at least skee ball, cuz skee ball iz da bomb.

Instituting this communist society would be redefining the hippie movement of the late 60's but in the context of the 20th century. Although I called Jen Box first, I am willing to share her wealth with my comrades in sin and whorishness. I agree that we need a "resident black snake", because without one our commune would be severely incomplete and would sink into permanent disrepair. Trying to overcome this inadequacy would only prove to take away from our sexually adventurous endeavors.

This will be more of an adult senior week lasting for years. Drunken hook-ups sans remorse and late night retard sessions instigated and videotaped by our supporter and founder, Jen Box. It somehow seems vaguely familiar and reminiscent of a year gone by: Senior Year. If only we could travel back in time to Allegany and suck in more boys to use interchangeably between us in horrible ways. Oh wait. Actually, that is THIS year with Amy and Carla Taint. Maybe you should stop hooking up with the middleman and just get it over with.

"Friends" are people that share the same fuck buddy.... And inevitably, the same diseases. Here's to you Amy and Carly.

jen box=caregiver to us all

2005-01-13T16:07:00.000-05:00

this is a conversation that i had with jeff string today. i believe it is extremely insightful and true! and i have invested all of my faith into making this dream come true.

cArLyPgHs: i have done pretty much no work on my thesis so i think i might be graduating with your class
cArLyPgHs: i am a slackercArLyPgHs: and an alcoholic
string9721: haha
cArLyPgHs: and slacker and alcoholic=LOSER!
string9721: its all good
cArLyPgHs: i am just gonna mooch off of jen box for the rest of my life, she will be my life partner
string9721: i know
string9721: i think we all should
cArLyPgHs: word
string9721: we can all live together in a wild relationship
cArLyPgHs: and jen can go to work everyday and we can just clean the house in the nude and shit like that
cArLyPgHs: and ride bikes!
string9721: hahaha
cArLyPgHs: but not naked riding bikes cause that could be dangerous
string9721: yeah very
cArLyPgHs: we would be like an incestuous brady bunch!
string9721: lol its not incestuous, its the wild sex house where anyone is doing anyone
string9721: wild
cArLyPgHs: thats wild shit...sounds like a good time
cArLyPgHs: i'm in!!!!!!
string9721: haha
string9721: ill bring jaron
string9721: the resident black snake
cArLyPgHs: yea, we will need that
cArLyPgHs: add a little flava into the house
string9721: haha

Now Rin, i know that you had previously called Jen Box first but i really think that if we all combine our forces we can really accomplish a lifestyle that would would make all of us fruitful and happy. I urge you to think about it, at least over night then let me know your intentions. If you are still at a disagreement with me than i have no other choice but to fight to the death for the partnership of Box.

It's Official: Megsy Chows Box

2005-01-10T14:11:00.000-05:00

her story, word for word:
so i was at work last night and i was closing, so i was the last person there. there were about 5 customers in the bar, and 3 of them were people that work there. i'm just standing around, and one of the guys [who's in his mid 30's] told me to come over and have a drink with them blah blah blah. so he's ripped already, and he says to me "you and i need to have a heart to heart sometime." and i laugh, knowing that he's gonna tell me he's gay. because he is.
so about 5 minutes later he whispers to me"i'm gay." and i say, "i know."
HE THEN ASKS "ARE YOU?"
i laugh and say no, i get that all the time. and he said, "really? because i always thought you were." OH MY GOD. so i once again said no, sorry, to which he replies,"oh man...that's too bad, because i was gonna fix you up with my friend. you're perfect for her. i already called her to tell her about you."

Desparate Measures call for K-rock

2005-01-07T13:55:00.000-05:00

Since everyone seems to have FORGOTTEN about our blog site, I am forced to make a stupid, stupid entry. K-rock has not so kindly told me that these needed to be posted. I don't think they are very funny, but I feel sorry for him. He needs the attention.

Q: What is the National drink of Thailand?
A: The mudslide

Q: Have you ever seen an Indonesian take a shower?
A: No you haven't, because they usually just wash up on shore.

McMahanamin Goes to DC

2004-12-11T17:57:00.000-05:00

The night began with a walkity over to the grocery sto to pick up a sixera Miller Light, which we promptly finished in 30 minutes whilst Katie changed 32 times before the smelly annoying cab driver picked our asses up.
7:00--FINALLY at the restaurant and in the bathroom. Some dyke likes my shoes, and I decide that tonight I will celebrate my new shoes that have ALREADY given me new blisters.
7:15ish--Dinner at some restaurant where we bump (literally) into Joe Brooks. He went to wac... is in love with Katie.. Well if you don't know him good. Our waitress turns out to be a hater and we leave her a shitty tip. I decide to make a shirt that says "I'm an Alcoholic. Serve me!"
8:00--2nd/3rd bathroom break after a few more drinkies... On the way, Katie plows through a dude sitting eating his dinner, calmly minding his own business. So you're thinking, "Did he move his chair out?" No. She just fell into the chair. I react by pretending like I don't know her and walking right past, laughing as I go.
8:25--Hanging out in the bar area drinking our drinks and listening out of utter astonishment to a WHOLE group of guys singing along to the Better Than Ezra song thats playing.
9:00--Meet up with Kelly and Mike at the bar that Yianna made a peace offering to me.
9:06--Order our second round of drinks
8:40--Spot "hot green shirt guy", who is then Katie's goal for the night. I promise myself NOT to hook up as an experiment to test my will power.
11ish--Trek it to another bar, where I meet a cute bouncer whose arms I can't stop grabbing. I can't remember his name (which I've already asked him four times), but it doesn't matter because he's someone to talk to whilst Kpizzle works her game with "hot green shirt guy".

At some point later that night--We're in a cab home. Kp is asleep on me, and the cab comes to a stop at a light. Instinctively, Katie throws the door open and starts hurling on the street. Not knowing what to do I instinctively point and laugh, then offer consolation. I pull her back in as the light turns green, assure the cabby she will not hurl, and then leave my wallet in the backseat of the cab when we arrive at the apt.

The end.

Disclaimer: There is a very good chance that the order of events have been confused, seeing as how I only remember particularly funny events and not exactly the times at which they occurred in relationship to one another.

I Tried to beez smart but Krock still gots me

2004-12-10T13:24:00.000-05:00

FoxyCoxy8: what time should my party start?
WAConnjor86: 2 p.m.
WAConnjor86: to 4 a.m.
WAConnjor86: 12 hours of debouchery
FoxyCoxy8: um...thats 14 douche
WAConnjor86: i dont do math
FoxyCoxy8: good think u werent a math major
FoxyCoxy8: thing*
WAConnjor86: good thing you werent a english major

WAC, 12/6/2004... rin returns

2004-12-08T02:00:00.000-05:00

So we start the night off in Allegany D. Erin returns and makes herself a drink. She proceeds to make one for Box. After drinking in D the graduates and Aimee and Carla go to the bird. I have to do something for BigSuz so i meet them there. In the mean time, Aimee is a great friend and starts a tab for me before i get there (she got me a cheeseburger and an LI IceTea... and if you didnt know, apparently megsy make them the best since she repeates herself about 1,000,000 times when she's drunk). Then Steaky meets us there.

So, i get trashed pretty quickly. Aimee-drunk, the rest of them- i dont know b/c all i cared about was myself at this point. I do know that i left because i was hating Box for some comment she made to me. Well, i get home, put on my whites and my pin, and take a nappy before AOPizzle Shiznit.

Now we're at out chapter meet part of the night and who pops into the chapter room... you guessed it... the graduates. blah blah blah, we toast lynn for taking alumni status, ERIN FALLS FOR NO REASON. people are saying that she's puking, but that's just a terrible lie.

I get back to Aimee and Carla's suite and it's 1045 and erin is passed out. WHAT AN ASSHOLE. apparently down in florida when she's drunk she's just telling us lies. There's no way that you could possibly drink everyday and just pass out by 1045!!!

so, we go back to the bar, and then return home to the house of adultery. i find box passing out in meatball subs(Jenn's Burke) chair in the common room. i take her upstairs to her old place for bed.

She too passed out, however, after a few hours, she didn't like the small couch anymore and decides to crawl in bed with Ass Pratt. Ass, not knowing this is happenning, rolls over and wakes up to find Box in her bed. Weird that she picked stacey's room b/c 1) i'm sure hickman wasn't in her room (jen's old room), 2) why didn't she just crawl into bed with carla who she wants to keep as a pet and 3) amy slept in my room so Box could have had a bed all to her own.

I don't know, but after a night like this i'm pretty sure i dont want to graduate and become like one of them.

ok, that's my story. please feel free to add to the night.

<3 the soccerjo.

The Battle at Boons Farm

2004-12-06T11:52:00.000-05:00

(What you are about to read, is in fact a true story, ask Jamie McMahan)
The Battle at Boons Farm was just an ordinary night with the Harry's gang and the homo (The Harry's gang consisting of my my booyfriend the homo, and 2 of my employees and my old boss at Happy Harrys) As the manageer at Happy Harrys Suburban Plaza, I feel that it is in my jurisdiction to take my employees out and get them tarded. The night started out with "hey wanta get some dinner" then as we knew it we were at a campground in Aberdeen Md. hanging with 2 hobos and about 27 ppounds of explosives. For some reason we had gotten drunk, found 27 pounds of explosives that we had bought when we were in South carolina, and drove an hour away to Aberdeen Md. Now usualy we only go to Aberdeen for the 24 hour porn shops they have, but Kari informed us that there was a battle and we were supposed to go fight in it. So there we are, in a campground, drunk, and all we have left is 5 bottles of Boons Farm. At one point in the drunken rage, I thought the campground was a battlefield in the civilwar, and I was General Grant and Kari was General Lee. Kari grabbed 2 bottles of Boons Farm and half the fireworks, and ran to the opposite side of the field. Alicia left with her, but I still had my old boss and the homo on my side. I yelled "You'll drink my Boons Farm under my dead body!" and Kari yelled something in hillbilly. I opened up a Boons Farm and quickly drank the entire bottle, then launched a massive roman candel out of it, in kari direction. The hobos thought we were crazy, and left, then Kari started reciting the Declaration of Independence, then launches a "Shark cloud" on my side. I yell "Wrong fucking war you cunt!" Then I yell out the Gettysburg address, but I think towards the end it started to become Sally Field's oscar acceptence speech. After launching all the fireworks, we realized that they were sucky and only went 5 feet in front of us. So I sent in a secret agent. I sent in Martin to steal kari's cigarettes. As he was getting away kari freaked out and topppled him. Then we heard the police sirens, so we quickly called the Battle a tie, and started running, but little does Kari know that while we were running I grabbed the "Strawberry Hill" Boons Farm and headed for my car.
The Battle was lost, but the War was won.

The Nightmare

2004-11-29T22:00:00.000-05:00

So it vaguely began with a trip down memory lane (Washington Avenue) at WAC with not surprisingly, Jen Box, my future life partner. At the Bird, drinkin some beers, takin some shots. I order my favorite dish ever: the Blue Bird Hot Dog.. complete with chips and bread&butter pickles. I really do have dreams about it. But tonight it was a nightmare. While I was in the bathroom drinking from the liquor bottle Amy stole behind the bar, Courtney Devine not only stole, but ATE the heavenly hot dog. I had no more money. I could not afford another delicious dish. So I decide to get pissed and yell. Unfortunately for me, CD had a razor scooter mini-bike at her disposal and chased me around C-Town with it. So I hide out as the bike is being repaired for excessive weight strain, but realize that I am in Nikki Gillum's old suite. TBone and I are buddies, but Tbone is not present and I am forced to reconcile/laugh under false pretenses with the most boringest of them all. As CD comes rolling into the suite on her Mexi-Mini-Bike, I wake up, because its 10 and I needed to be up by 9 in order to give my students their final at 12. What a horrible way to wake up: being chased by a fat girl on a mini-bike. I just pray that the only person who is stricken by such an indecent horrible act is Jen Box. She deserves it. I will tell "her's whose name cannot be spoken" that her presence is neither welcome nor necessary, and that she should try that new dieting fad called 'stapling your mouth shut', or 'trow yoself off da cliff'.

R.I.P. Kool-Aid Man

2004-11-18T13:41:00.000-05:00

New York Times vol.23 NOV.

Obituaries

Late Thursday night Serg. McCloud of the NYPD stumbled upon what seemed to be the lifeless body of a giant pitcher of Kool-Aid, he started compressions, but stopped as back up arrived on the scene. The Kool-Aid Man was rushed to the hospital only to be pronounced dead at 14:56 that night. The chief resident told reporters that ironically, The Kool-Aid Man had suffered from severe diabetic shock. Black people and little kids everywhere are mourning the death of this beloved refreshment. The Kool-Aid Man was survived by his illegitimate daughter, Kool-Aid Jammer. A witness at the scene said this, "All I know is that I was buyin some crack on 43rd when I hear this muffled 'OH YEA' then I looked over and this overweight pitcher of Kool-Aid had tried to break through the wall of ol' buckeys tire store, I mean I know back in the day when The Kool-Aid Man would break through a wall at your cousins birthday party, and let eveybody drink outa him, but this was no Kool-Aid Man, he looked bad I tell you."
Services will be held at several poorly build Kool-Aid stands in a neighborhood near you.

I'm a SURVIVOR!!!

2004-11-16T16:56:00.000-05:00

Ok- Me, Carly, Jenn's Burke, Eichner, Courtney (RANDOM!!!), and Ms. Bromgood are out celebrating elections and not have any more AOII responsibilities...

A few KA's meet us there...

blah blah blah...CALL OUT TUESDAY HAS ARRIVED... blah blah blah

Here's the good part-
May come's out of the kitchen area and says: "There's a fire in here. Is there a number I call or just dial 911?". I think she dialed 911. then she apologized to all of us in there (and it was just really us and 3 townies) and told us to leave (we didn't want to leave since we had good beer in front of us) and to pay our tabs...

So we pay, then take out beer out with us and drink it in the parking lot while watching the blue bird burn.

Needless to say, the fire men got there and discovered that it was arson. It was just a bunch of papertowels on fire outside the bathroom. So we did what any other college students would do, we upheld the standards of AOII and we went back in for more beer.

It was good times.

HOW Did I Know That the Three People That Passed By Me Were Foreigners??

2004-11-10T23:19:00.000-05:00

The one dude was unnaturally tan, pseudo-spanish, greasy hair, tight-short shorts, and a t-shirt that said “DIESEL” (doesn’t Yianna have one of those?). Lets just say "Rico-Suave" and get it over with. Plus he was barely holding on to his Jansport by the left shoulder strap. Only mo’s, uuber-dorks, and the hybrid foreign metrosexual does that. On the beach he stripped down to a skimpy speedo that his friends had enough ameri-sense to inform him wasn’t so acceptable with his “figure”. The girl had a coupla streaks of pink in her short brown hair. Funky outfit. Her bathing suit top did NOT match her bottom, mainly because she’s probably never needed a top on those fucking disgusting topless European beaches. Fucking foreigners. And not to mention that she was confusedly looking at a map… on the beach? I mean, cmon, you’re at the Gulf. What more of a reference point do you need, ya big R-tard? The third and final member of the group gave it away. The dude was Mikus from Zoolander. I almost said, “Like you DIDN’T KNOW!” and asked for an autograph. Skinny, pale, with Gucci sunglasses (Similar to the ones Alessi blew her load on a few weeks ago), and short blonde hair that was spiked towards a straight-mohawkish-line in the center of his head. Tight-ass shirt that let everyone know he was a little chilly. I just smiled as I passed, and said, “Welcome to America”.

Once I sat back down, I promptly called Megsy, because I needed to inform the other part of my brain to that which I had just been a witness.

Top 10 Funniest Illnesses (ALL of which have occurred)

2004-11-06T23:02:00.000-05:00

10. Cryptosporidiosis (Xtreme diarrhea)
9. Subcutaneous Tuberculosis
8. Polio
7. Ocular E. coli infection
6. Leprosy
5. Ebola Hemorrhagic Fever
4. Staphylococcus Infection on the Ass
3. T.S.S. (Toxic Shock Syndrome)
2. Rectal Prolapse
1. Yeast infection of the mouth

Shannon Hanley do not read: you already know this

2004-11-05T15:02:00.000-05:00

ok so im a dumbass and clicked out of the IM window, but im gonna try to recreate the conversation between erin and I:

cox: im getting really frustrated cuz ive been eating really healthy and working out a ton, and i still can't lose any weight.
rin: well maybe you shouldn't stress about a few pounds
cox: yea but i wanna lose like 10
rin: well then maybe you should try the binge alcohol diet.
cox: i already tried that.
rin: there's always bulimia
cox: yea but thats not effective. you dont lose the weight. and i can't be anorexic. i love food too much.
rin: what? u have the wrong sources. you can definitely lose wait if you're bulimic. TRUST ME.

Happy 22nd to Me...and by happy i mean...

2004-11-04T14:44:00.000-05:00

alrighty, so we decide that wings at o'connors would be a good time for my b-day. i had a game the next day so according to rules no drinking for this girl. so we are all enjoying our wings and the waitress brings me a pitcher and a shot from the albino looking boy across the resturant. mike philip, hickman's bf. well...thats when i broke down...i had a glass of beer and made pistone take the shot, which was fucking 3 wisemen. i then proceeded to buy him the same shot. i chugged beer like it was my job, always on the look out for a coach to come walking in as i am indulging myself in an icy pitcher of coors. i walk up to the bar, mark (jenn's burke mark) and richard (BAD NEWS BEARS) are both there. they buy me a shot, i can't refuse. that would be rude. then, frank, the bartender gives me a shot of irish whiskey on the house, good stuff. rin, u would have been proud.

after o'connors we went back to campus...played some flip cup at gayA, hey its free beer ok. then we go to dorcester and no one is there so of course amy steals their beerbong. back to allegany dizzle for some bonging. dt aimee is a champ. then to the dirty bird. i have noticed a trend just now, we always end up at the bird for a last go! anyway, jen's burke mark and richard are there. playing pool with some toothless fatfucks. its a good time. things from here on are pretty boring. it was a good b-day and i got wasted. from this experience i learned that breaking the rules is just a part of life and is at all times necessary...especially when there are boys and beer involved...u can all fill in the rest of the story! BAD NEWS BEARS!

Halloweeny at GayA

2004-11-04T14:20:00.000-05:00

For Soccerjo and myself the nights events actually started on the bus ride home from our game at mcdaniel. thanks to alessi and box who provided the alcohol. we got a little tipsy, nothing special. anyway, we arrive at gayA sometime around 9:30. bushwhackers in full effect. the floor is quite slippery but i think nothing of it (recognize the foreshadowing!?) anyway, we are dancing having a good time. aimee apparently thinks its a good idea to slip and fall on the dance floor. instinctively she covers her jungle juice with one hand, falling hard on her rips. needless to say, the drink was salvaged...and aimee was good to go. about 10 mins later i am walking down the steps from the bathroom and down i go...same as aimee. accept my beer goes flying, i think it hit someone in the head. EVERYONE SAW ME FALL. classic. i just sat there for a minute b/c i couldn't feel my right side. asspratt was with me...she nurtured me and helped me up. and it was still pretty early on. the night continued on as we were made fun of repeatedly. whatever, our costumes were pimp.
so, its a bit later in the evening and the aopizzles are hangin out dancin, rockin and rollin and whatnot and all of a sudden i feel a hard blow to the right side of my face. now, mind you i was so drunk, i couldn't really see straight. apparently jones punched me square in the face. being the drunk asshole that i was i could not compehend the madness that had just occurred. i started crying b/c 1-it fuckin hurt, and 2-i was a drunk bastard and we all know i can't control my drunken emotions. aimee grabbed me and we left. wow, what a night. we then ventured to the dirty bird in our costumes. good times. after that we ended up at allegany, THROW-UP FEST 2004! amy and burke puking in my bathroom...jen chapman throwing up all over the common room...ms. rawsom throwing up in her suite, hickman passed out at like 8, that pussy...and jo, asspratt and i are taking pictures of all of these assholes. good times in allegany dizzle. just remember...its all for the love of the game...and such

Best. Mad. Lib. Ever.

2004-11-03T15:16:00.000-05:00

Ok, since this will be my first blog, I figured that it would be best to share with you all the absolute greatest Mad Lib of all time. A little background information is in order though: the day started off for me at 8:15am when Leslie came barging into my room telling me that we need to go clean Eichner's place before her landlord evicts her. This felt like a bad nightmare, reminiscent of pledging. (What's even better about that is once we got there, we proceeded to pick up silly string from the driveway. "Hey guys, we've picked up smaller things than this!" Oh shiznit.)

Anyway, then I begin my drive to the good ol' CC to watch some WAC soccer with Megsy. Of course Jen Box and Alessi are there also. ("Hey, I haven't seen you in about 6.9 hours Jen Box!") Sadly it was another loss for the Shore Whores. At this point, the Asshole and I need food. Since our IQ was lowered 10 points, that must mean Carroll County is sucking us in. We stop by my house for some Mama Gonorrhea cooking. Good stuff. (Thank the dear Lord we stopped there, my Michael Jackson's Moonwalker game for Sega was waiting to be claimed!) On a side note, I would like to share a section of the booklet that came with this atrocity to life:

"Goodbye, world peace! Mr. Big, the psycho mastermind of crime is wiping out love on our planet! He and his goons are kidnapping every child on Earth. Mr. Big plans to brainwash all these innocent children and turn them into his slaves! -I thought that was MJ's plan- Mr. Big is the ultimate bad guy. And no one knows how to stop him! Until superstar Michael Jackson, alias Moonwalker, the champion of love and peace, takes charge. Only Michael can rescue the children and demolish Mr. Big and his hoods. To do it, Michael summons his Star Magic, the super power sent to him on a shooting star. -Yup.- At last, in the technoid-is that even an actual word?- towers of Mr. Big's hideout, Michael faces his greatest challenge and summons his most stupendous powers!" Um, hold on, I need to go bleach my eyes.

So yeah, as we're driving back to WAC that evening, what do we see but a famed embodiment of glory that is a Milwaukee's Best billboard. I had been ranting about one that said, "Coasters are for people who put their beer down." This one read: "If I wanted water, I'd go fishing." Truly magnificent. Alright, back to the task at hand, the greatest Mad Lib ever.

A Tour of Hollywood

Good morning, ladies and teats , boys and scrotums . My name is Maria Lindsay Gonorrhea . I am your personal child molester guide. For the next six hours, we will delight in exploring romantic milky-white Hollywood, the glamour foreplay of the world. Let's start off with a bang and visit Mann's Whorrish Chinese Theater, Hollywood's most drunk tourist attraction. Etched in cement you'll see the foot cocksuckers and the ovary prints of the most famous movie pubic hairs ever to adorn the wrinkly screen. Then it's only a hop, skip, and a hump to Beverly Hills, the playground of the rich and shitty . You will feast your balls on the million-dollar porn stars of movie stars. You'll actually get to visit the home of today's hottest reefer, Megsy, who will sign autographs for the low, low sum of 69 dollars. And here's the Big One! For lunch, we'll be going to the studio commissary, where you can rub man in the boats with today's leading actors and actresses. ALL ABOARD!

Can we just pause and reflect upon how awesome that is? That is all from me, and here is a quote pertaining to the presidential election: "Kerry is such a huge vag. When he talks all I hear is flappy flappy flappy, queef queef queef."

"Forsaker of the Cart"

2004-10-30T00:34:00.000-05:00

As if it isn’t bad enough… I don’t have friends down here—just roommates and people I have to deal with from school.. Now if I go to the grocery store I feel like I’m being morally tested.. Have I EVER passed a moral test? NO. So here we go:

I don’t usually use a shopping cart at the grocery store. Normally, I like to use the time to have a pseudo-workout, carrying the 3 for $5 gatorades and other miscellaneous items in those stupid ass baskets. Instead, I choose the cart this one fine morning, because I KNOW that I am going to get MORE than just Gatorade and KY jelly… I mean bread. Anywho, I’m put my groceries in the trunk of my car, and look around for a cart return receptacle. I see people pushing their carts to a certain destination, but still can’t see a receptacle. “Where could it be?!” I ask myself. “Is it just a coincidence and all of these people are just parked near one another??!” the 4th personality of mine questions. Well, I figure, “Who cares?? I’m gone. There isn’t anyone here and those fucking idiots get paid to bring the carts in for a reason”. So I leave it. As I’m backing away and pulling forward, I start to get the death-lock stare from an older man and soccer mom. “What the shit? Uhh.. put on your sunglasses” I think to myself. I speed away and see the receptacle just a mere 20 ft away. You ask, “Why did you not see it?” and I so woefully reply “Because the H2 Hummer with 21 inch rims was blocking my view”. Fucking athletes ruin everything. Now everytime I go to the Publix, I will either have to use a basket or faithfully return the cart into the receptacle for fear of painful social ostracism by the Tampa elite, who already has profiled me as either a) a sexual predator or b) a terrorist. I run by a school everyday and measure out my run with my car. I had a police officer follow me for over 20 yards by the school the other day without pulling me over. I’m pretty sure KP got a report on her desk about me, along with a dossier and video footage of me burning a Canadian flag. Thanks box for releasing that shit. Now I have to remove myself from the country and retire to Zimbabwe. At least in that country they ADMIT to having an asinine dictator. And henceforth I shall be known as “Forsaker of the Cart”.

The Womens' Bathroom Ten Commandments

2004-10-18T22:52:00.000-05:00

Prelude
Walking around the mall Sunday morning was interesting. I couldn’t figure out why all of the stores were closed. Maybe it was because there were tons of people just walking around the mall with me. Or maybe it was because it was 1145 and things should be open by then. But then I realized that they reason why I couldn’t figure it out was because I was still drunk from the night before.

The gin and tonics didn’t do it to me. Neither did the commencement of drinking at 5, or the fact that I was out in the sun all the previous day spittin my hippie shit about seagrasses, mangroves, and pussy-ass palm trees. No my friend. I believe that it was the Jameson shots I conned some dude into giving me. “Is that for me?” “SURE IT IS”..Then he knocks it over and I demand two shots. The dude would NOT get it. But lets pretend for a second that I can be persuaded OUT of taking shots with ANY guy, or any Person for that matter So I move on to the hot “im turning 21” guy, and stick with him until my satiating intake has been fulfilled and until I’m over almost beating a girl down in the bathroom.

So lets discuss. I spit my game to some dude (not for my sake mind you.. he’s not my type), and get him to talk to my friend. My new friend and I go to the bathroom and wait in line. During which time, some bitchass republican whore (who we later find out was dude's gf) comes waltzing in ahead of the HUGE LINE. She yells at my friend “What? Is there a line?” So my friend says (in a stupid “valley girl” voice) “Yah bitch. There’s TOTALLY a line” The bitchwhore starts jumping at us, and gets held back. So naturally I jump off the wall and yell that I could kick her ass and that this isn’t Vietnam and there are rules (referring to the girls’ bathroom code—cmon everyone knows it). Which brings me to my point:

The Womens’ Bathroom Code (to be put in effect at ANY bar)
1. Anticipate a line and that when you open the door it WILL hit someone.
2. Be polite until you get out of the bathroom, because that porcelain looks pretty until your front teeth get knocked out on it.
3. Make allies or keep your mouth shut.
4. Bring a friend.
5. Check the toilet paper and flushing capacity BEFORE you commit yourself to a stall. Chances are there’s no TP.
6. Make quick decisions. No one is in there to socialize. This is purely a business function contingent upon maximizing optimum drinking time.
7. Your skirt is NOT to be tucked into your underwear upon departure. Check yoself befo you wreck yoself.
8. Be sure to make it look like you washed your hands even if you blatently don’t feel like it.
9. SINKS DO NOT SERVE AS TOILETS. Reed Gallant.
10. If whenever you push the lever to wash your hands and the water just swirls around at the bottom of the sink.. it’s a urinal and you’re in the wrong place. Time for bed.

A.M.E.P.U.C.

2004-10-13T14:56:00.000-05:00

This is my sister's newsletter she sent me and I thought that it was blogworthy.

AMEPUC: The Association of Misunderstood Edgy Pop/Punk Untalented Cunts
Newsletter Vol. 23 Oct. Editor: Katelyn McMahan
In this month's newsletter, we have decided to do a special issue on Ashlee Simpson. As some of you may know already, Ashlee Simpson is the younger sister of Christian, Big boobs, dumbass Jessica Simpson. Ashlee's talent sprung after her sister got married and got a show [Editor's note: We like to use the word "talent" in the loosest sense possible]. Now she's a successful punk rocker, who dyed her hair black to make sure no one confused her with her untalented sister. "You know I can't wear that. Thats too Jessica. I can't be like Jessica. I'm not Jessica.." No you're not Jessica. She at least makes tons of money from acting stupid. You just make moderate money playing stupid music.

Reasons why we don't like Ashlee Simpson:
1. Her hair makes her look like an Elkton Foodlion cashier with the dark black ratty mullet.
2. She is riding the coattails of her sister, whom she wants nothing to do with.
3. She's ugly.
4. She's Christian, but she's dark and edgy. MAKE UP YOUR MIND! You can't have both! The guy from Creed already got it!
5. She is ruining Avril Lavigne's life. (This is why Erin Likes Ashlee Simpson)

CONCLUSION: Ashlee Simpson IS the new Avril Lavigne

Hollywood News:
Karen O and Spike Jonze are a couple. Look out Spandex! You might be making a wedding dress soon!
Dominic Monahghan is in a new show on ABC called LOST, where he plays Kate McMahan's love interest... I mean a plane crash survivor on a deserted island with other survivors.

A lovely walk with Soccerjo and Jenn's Burke

2004-10-05T13:39:00.000-05:00

Ok so this occurred last week between soccerjo, jenns burke, and myself
We're walking back from the dining hall-basically running because we have DHD haha, and Jenns Burke comments on this man power washing the windows at Harford...she didn't understand what he was doing...
I said you know like you need to power wash your vulva, and Soccerjo stated, you know like you need to power wash your butt hole "since you never fart" it probably needs to be cleaned....Soccerjo then states she's going to take her DHD and unload in Jenns Burke's bathroom, I state that i'm gonna do it on her pillow, she then hits both of us...and we start mocking her about something else...about her ex boyfriend "Jeffy Poo" and that if it wasn't for us she would still be with him, fixing up "their house" together, she'd be going home every weekend, she wouldn't know what a mullet or camel toe was, he'd still be trying on her jeans ( cause he's weird and he used to do that) and here's the kicker she'd still have Baltimore Bangs! So yes this was a great moment in history that she realized she really needed soccerjo and i in her life :)

Confusion Capital USA

2004-10-04T08:53:00.000-05:00

The fact that I don't like foreigners has nothing to do with this. I was just stricken by the preposity of the situation. A woman walks into a grocery store. She is Muslim and is in her full gear, covering her face and all, whilst making everyone around her feel like they need to duck under a desk or runaway. The woman really might not have been Muslim. I don't know and I don't CARE to know Arabs anymore, since 9/11 and since that Turkish bastard never called me back to work at the bagel sto. She is in front of me in the checkout line, buying whatever organic puke Muslims buy. I suspisciously look over her shoulder, and she is reading an article in some fashion-crap magazine about "How to Lose Unwanted Belly Fat". Changed my whole perspective n shit. Not knowing what to think.. I post my thoughts, and try to move on with my life.

emancipation proclamation

2004-10-01T00:59:00.000-05:00

yes my friends, the time has come. as of tomorrow, i will be a free woman. i will be...ON MY OWN.

i will take a moment to note that, i, MEGSY, have beaten most of my recently graduated counterparts in moving out and being independent. i have not been lucky enough to have parents that do my laundry and cook for me on a regular basis, while refraining from interfering in my responsibilities and social life [COUGH COUGH JEN BOX]. heh.

now before you all burst into tears, sobbing hysterically at the thought of my absence, realize that this hiatus will only be brief, as my priorities for my new apartment are as follows:

1. beer
2. liquore
3. internet [preferably cable]
4. food

and remember, being the hospitable moron that i am, you all should be well aware that my door will always be open for visitors. i expect next summer to be hell on wheels.

i bid fare well to you, my friends. until...you know...next week when i get my modem set up.

Lower Socio-economic Groups

2004-09-30T00:52:00.000-05:00

Its 12:17. Instead of doing my Env Mgmt case study, I’m thinking about a fat, dirty Mexican on a mini-bike. You know them: those miniature motorcycles that look like someone dropped their hot wheels motorbike into the radioactive goo the ninja turtles so fortunately happened upon. Only… they aren’t full size. In the span of two days, I’ve seen 12 mini-bikes. Is it just because Tampa is plagued by geographic patches of white trash and other educationally challenged, criminalistic minorities? Please, put my mind at ease and assure me that there is not a wave of popular demand for the mini-bike. Honestly, a blind homosexual male in a coma would know better than to think someone looks “hip” on a mini-bike. I mean… I just don’t know what to say about it. Who would actually say… “Hmm.. Instead of buying a REAL motorcycle, Ima gonna buy me a mini one.”??? WHAT KIND OF THOUGHT PROCESS DO THEY GO THROUGH??? Obviously their logistics are off, because they’re put in jail a week later for stealing shiny plastic jewelry from the dollar store. REINSTITUTE A GLOBAL POLICY OF NATURAL SELECTION!!! I think that we should do what the nazi’s did, but concentrate on fucking dumbass people like this. Anyone who buys a mini-bike should be arrested, put in a camp where they are vehemently berated with violent degrading rhetoric, then shipped off to Africa or India to either get AIDS or acid thrown in their faces.

"Why do black people always have nightmares?"
"Because the last nigger that had a dream got shot."
--Josh

My Theory on the increase of hurricane incidences in Florida.. Subtitle: El Nino or Michael Dyal?

2004-09-30T00:49:00.000-05:00

Now we all know about the hurricanes “ripping” through Florida. I have been protesting the news for the past three years, so I don’t know about them until my mom is calling to give me such bullshit info that “they” have “evacuated the whole state of Florida”. And we also know about the increased incidence of hurricanes over the past couple of years in Ctown (well at least they were supposed to hit but then pussied out because it was just too cold). I know what you are thinking: “Haha on you Erin you silly girl. Its YOUR fault the hurricanes are hitting in Florida.” Oh contrare mon frere (I took French in an effort to understand my enemy and that phrase is spelled correctemente). It IS someone’s fault that there has been an increased occurrence of hurricanes in Florida. And that person’s name is.. Michael Dyal (For our purposes we will refer to him as “Wet Shoe”, for “he has the personality of a wet shoe on a hot summer day” quoteth by me). God is trying to etch him out of existence. Think about it: He left Miami around 95/96 to go to boarding school somewheres north. Prior to that was Hurricane Hugo AND Andrew, which almost got him. But not close enough. So finally, upon wet shoe's return to the coast (Ctown), we experience the hurricanes that tried to get him but were just not capable of ripping him off of the earth. WET SHOE IS BACK IN MIAMI. GOD WANTS TO SMOTE HIM. And THAT is why there have been so many hurricanes.

Sept 29th...and again

2004-09-29T12:49:00.000-05:00

Yes it's a lovely overcast Wednesday afternoon here at WAC. I IM foxy saying "hi ass" she returns with "hi sexy" we then talk for a bit and I make a comment like "since you're not working you should come to the guys game, string will be here visiting" And for those of you who don't know String broke his leg this past saturday had emergency surgery and now has a titanium rod in his leg since he broke his fibula and tibula or something like those names...so Box says ok I'm coming, cause you know she hasn't been here for 4 days and she's going through withdrawal...she will be spending the night, which means Dirty Bird here we come, and which also means that I will let her buy me all my drinks since I am a poor college student and she "works" So she's coming to the guys game, sitting on the gator with me while I work the game, going to the bar with me, spending the night ...in my pants, haha jk...and borrowing carl's clothes to go to work tomorrow, only to return them this weekend when she comes back :) too bad carly doesn't even know this is happening because she has a life and is gone all day long...unlike me and box :) so I will write tomorrow and inform ya'll who box hooks up with and she better not come back wearing the fabulous line of clothes by doug clizzup cause I will KILL her! TTFN ta ta for now suckas! :)

sept. 25... box returns...

2004-09-27T00:17:00.000-05:00

Ok, so i see box again this weekend (although she was going to take the weekend off, as if going back to WAC was a job).

She hitches a ride with K-Rock.
She drinks.
She's drunk.
She sees Jones who wants to hang out with her, but says... Sorry, I need to go hook up.
She leaves campus.
She calls Aimee's room in the AM and leaves this message... "walk of shame, walk of shame, walk of shame...".

Jen leaves only to return next weekend.

See ya soon!!

I got you good you fucking whore!

2004-09-25T18:08:00.000-05:00

This Thursday night my friends and I were hanging out drinking at the dorms on base and decided to go see if the "whore" of the dorm was in her room. We walked up stairs to see and of course there were 5 dudes standing outside of her room. At anygiven time you can see atleast one guy up there trying to get some. So when my friend and I walked in here room, I saw another girl in there drinking some champagne (what a waste of time). By now its pretty late and the cockroast dwindles down to 4 dudes, 3 girls and one dirty whore. We all decide to go out to the club and get retarted.

The point of this story is to tell you how I decided to get the whore back for all the times she has taken advantage of drunk guys. This girl can always walk up to a drunk guy and take him to her room to fuck. Its pethetic...and to top if off she sucks! Its like fucking a cadaver.

Ok, so in the club I can tell that she is stalking her next victim and I decide I'm going to jump in her view and make myself available. In the meantime I am also talking to another girl that lives near her in the dorms. I try to make it so that I can get girl #2 to want me when we get back. So far the night is playing out great. I now have skank #1 all over me and she's also putting my hands all over her.

In the car ride back she is sucking on my neck, which by the way is how you know "its gonna happen" but the tall tell sign that you know its going to happen is when she stick her nasty ass tongue in your ear. We eventually make it back to her room where she gets me on the bed and we start the whole process of hooking up when just at the very moment girl #2 walks in and says "hey John lets go to my room". I look over at the skank and say Ok sounds good to me and I got up and went to her room and hooked up with girl #2.

It may sound stupid to you but "blue balling" a girl like that and then throwing it in her face that I'm going to another girls room instead of finishing with her is the most satifiying feeling.

the end

i have girl parts

2004-09-24T13:15:00.000-05:00

despite popular belief, mountains of evidence, and years of denial, i have recently determined that i, in fact, am a girl.

i know you're thinking, "you? megsy? a girl? blasphemy! you fart! you like football! you thought you were a boy until you were twelve! you can pee standing up!"

i can't necessarily deny that statement, as it is fairly accurate. [coincidently, in my defense, everyone can pee standing up. girl just don't have the aim.] i do fart, i do like football, and i was considered a "tomboy" when i was younger, if you drop the "tom." but i have been slowly shifting weight in the gender scales. observe:

AGE 10

male - - -x- - - - - - - - I - - - - - - - - - - - - female

when i was younger, i was generally here on the gender scales. i played sports. i had a mullet. i only wore clothes with college logos on it. i played football at recess. i was about a testicle shy of being a guy. i had few female characteristics, and they were purely physical. as in, i had a vagina. but not by choice.

AGE 16

male - - - - - - - - x - - - I- - - - - - - - - - - - - female

throughout high school, i had become slightly more fashion conscious in girly wear, even though i didn't really ever wear a skirt or go to dances. at least i was wearing flared jeans to school at that point. i liked boys and began to take care of myself. such as tweezing my ridiculous eyebrows and shaving my legs on a regular basis, although i couldn't grasp the concept of waxing. i hovered over being "asexual" for a while, where i looked vaguely like a girl but still had boyish ways about me. not surprisingly, many people weren't sure if i was a lesbian or not. it was fun to keep them guessing.

AGE 22

male - - - - - - - - - - - - I - - - - - x - - - - - - - female

now that i have been through college, i have tipped the scales even more. yes, i have gone from androgyno-friend to actual "girl." i have been quoted as saying "wow, he's hot," "this purse is really cute," and "i need to go to the mall to buy a new dress for the formal." i've worn both pink AND a skirt simultaneously. on purpose. voluntarily. because i liked it. i've kissed boys, and liked it. i've worried if my boobs/ass looked okay. i watch girly movies. so help me god, i've even giggled when a boy talked to me.

i'm still not entirely sure what caused this surge of estrogen to course through my veins but it has it's advantages. i generally don't have to pay for drinks, people smile at me. hell, people even talk to me without screaming in terror when they see me. more importantly, my parents don't have to "worry about me" anymore. if you know what i mean, and i think you do. all i need to do is learn how to put out, and i'm set.

however, despite that over the years my outer shell has become increasingly feminine, the effects of this surge of extrogen still remains primarily physical and carnal. psychologically, i still retain many male aspects, such as an affinity for video games, sports, and fried food and have a blatant disregard for others when i have to let one loose. [who cares, we're all friends here]. since my new found sense of girl-dome arrived, i've been working on balancing the two genders in order play both sides of the fence [i mean that in the least sexual way possible, jen box]. that way, i can truly prove my theory that all guys really want a hot chick who can drink a beer and run their ass in madden 2005, and can still cook a mean fajita. all i'm working on now is the "hot chick" portion of my theory. i'll let you know in six years.

My first fake proposal (what a beautiful moment)

2004-09-24T08:27:00.000-05:00

As my first post on this site I'm going to have to give you a little background about myself. My name is John and I graduated from high school with Jen Cox. I guess she is the whole reason why I am even writing this. Anyways, I now live in Fort Walton Beach Florida (near panama city) which is now pretty fucked up because of damn "Hurricane Ivan". My apartment now smells like ass because of the flooding and the food that I had left in the fridge. But, the hurricane made for some pretty cool photos of trees and boats thrown all over the place. It's pretty sweet to see a 30 foot boat thrown from the dock into a waffle house parking lot or a 3 mile bridge that you used to go to the clubs now gone. Yeah, thats about it.

This night takes place in Warner Robins, Georgia where I went to get away from the hurricane. Me and 3 of my friends drove up there because we knew some girls that live there and we wanted to get some ass to ease the pain of our homes getting destroyed. This was our second night in town and we all went to this club after getting our pre-game on at the hotel.
My friend Matt has wanted to screw this girl Amy from about two years now, but the bad this is she has had a thing for me and that really pisses Matt off. So we get to the club and by now I am drunk off my ass and all I care about now is that sweet little thing we call pussy.

As the night goes on I had the great idea of trying to piss Matt off so I decide that I am going to propose to Amy up on stage infront of the whole club. It sounds pretty stupid but the result was what I wanted. I gave Amy a hint of what I was going to do so she wouldn't be too freaked out but I didn't tell her how I was going to do it. So I walked around the whole club asking girls if I can borrow a flashy ring to give to my girlfriend and a girl actually gave me one. It looked like a mood ring, but I didn't care. It just so happened that a women was walking around selling roses that night too. There was a live band playing that night so I went to the bar and ordered 2 shots and brought them to the stage and asked the band if they could let me on stage to propose to my girlfriend. They let me on stage and everyone in the club just got silent and listened to me, it was weird. So I basically pulled a whole lot of bullshit from my ass and got all the girls on the dance floor to crowd around the stage, some yelling "don't do it!" and some saying "go for it". So I called Amy up on stage and gave her the rose and got down on one knee and said those four words and she said "yes". Everyone in the whole place went crazy. We got off the stage while everyone made a big circle around us on the dance floor while the band played that Eric Clapton song...you look wonderful tonight. The crazy thing is that Amy said to me as we were dancing that she was actually crying. I looked at her and said "are you serious, this is all just a joke". I think that she was taking it kinda seriously which is pretty fucked up. Anyways, The plan worked great because Matt was pretty pissed and he was dumb enough to believe I was serious. There is alot more that happened after that but I'm at work and I'm hungover from last night.

Alright, I'm going to go throw up in the bathroom now.

I can't believe I know this girl...

2004-09-14T22:44:00.000-05:00

check this out... i've gone to school with this TOOL since the 1st grade. and when i say TOOL, i mean HUGE TOOL. like, look up the word in the dictionary and you get pictures of a hammer, a phillips head, and her. this is lauren raimondi. she had no friends in high school and was on the cheerleading squad while being a member of the band. anyway, this is her website http://www.lillaulau.com/home.htm . let me know what you think... TOOL or COOL?

Definitions and Terminology to Live By

2004-09-13T22:41:00.000-05:00

LEARN IT… LIVE IT… LOVE IT…

“I got some”: a popular slang phrase referring to an intense sexual episode, reserved for those indicating a coital event with the end result being a singular or multiple orgasm; not to be used as a descriptor of manuals, unwelcomed oral favors, and DEFINITELY not make-out sessions.

“whore”: (n) a person who has done something that KP (or in most instances.. myself) has not.

“manual”: (n) a ‘hand-job’ slang term normally reserved for such ‘hand-job’ actions employed on the female sex.

“can-opener”: (n) a manual gone wrong; (v) to give such an act which causes a range of unwelcomed physical ailments from excessive soreness to spotting/bleeding; does not refer to sexually transmitted diseases.

“unwelcomed oral favors”: (n) those which are led up to, but ultimately leaving the recepient unsatisfied or a victim of ‘can-openers’.

“bang-out session”: (n) a coital event normally free of emotions, but engaging in the act of ecstasy, which ultimately leads to the participant using the phrase ‘I got some’; a coital event during which time a participant must take a water, lunch, or bathroom break depending on the intensity of the situation.

“fuck”: (n) a copulatory event free of emotional ties and focused on pissing upon positive moral values; (v) to partake in such an act as previously mentioned.

More enlightenment once terms have been established and definitions clarified by trial-and-error actions. Godspeed.

pulp non-fiction

2004-09-13T14:21:00.000-05:00

after reading bromgood's detailed re-enactment of this past weekend...i'm becoming more and more excited for this weekend. not surprisingly, it will once again be full of drunken debauchery, mayhem, and of course, hours upon hours of hungover nintendo. god i miss college. heh.

but i also have a feeling that it will be strikingly similar to pulp fiction: we will all do separate things at separate times, be immersed in really weird substance-induced situations, and end up talking about burgers. and by the end, without our knowing, our stories will be oddly intertwined. and then, somebody will get butt raped.

i'm betting it'll be jen cox.

This past weekend at WAC

2004-09-13T13:04:00.000-05:00

So I wanted to write and inform you of the wonderful things that happened this past weekend at WAC.
Starting with friday, we went to the dirty bird at 3:30
in attendence was: Stacey Pratt, Ross (gay cuz), Neil, Box, Scott, Timmy, Joanna, Lynn (el worste), Jenn's Burke, and myself.

We left the bar around 9:30 giving us plenty of time to run up very expensive tabs, and not to mention none of us could see straight, i mean totally THANK YOU FOR NINTENDO!
I then procede to go to KA otherwise GAY A, where yes, I became a whore and layed down my morals and hooked up with Scott. Meanwhile this was right after the bar so it's like 9:45. We're done hooking up and i tell him "ok I got mine" and we were done haha...I then procede to THROW UP in KA with ass pratt holding my hair back....meanwhile I've lost Jen Cox by this point....oh it's ok cause she's with a guy, who would have thought? Because the first thing she did while coming into town was go to Ross's house, then the bird, then back with another guy...SLUTTA!
Ok so Jen doesn't come home that night, meanwhile Carla Tate has displayed a very nice home for her in her room, Carly put out condoms, flowers, pictures of Jen and her, as well as a nice little note....but Jen stayed at Pauls, so she didn't get to see it or get any action in the Boom Boom Room.
So Saturday comes about BRIGHT AND EARLY when i receive a phone call from Box saying look out your window I'm doing the walk of shame....PS BTW YOU"RE OUT OF COLLEGE doing the walk of shame! WOW! then we go to the d-hall get some dhd, then go our separate ways.......
Saturday night we started drinking around 7:30 (i think) it was jocks and nerds at erin alessi's house ( i don't want to admit that jordan and ben live there) So we drank at the house, then went to Erin's house for the party...that's about all I remember since I couldn't find anyone really and I threw up again that night due to getting puked on from Josh Todd...bastard! Jen Cox was yet again with a boy, this time Jaron, making up for her rude and harsh comments from the night before.... and AGAIN JEN did NOT sleep at our place...because she's a deuchebag and locked herself out...
Sunday: we did nothing but lay on the couch and watch football then had our movie night, pretty much making fun of josh todd and myself, and telling me that all i do is "fuck" i said NO I HAVE BANG OUT SESSIONS!!!!!! what am i a whore or something? then today came and now I'm looking forward to next weekend since everyone is coming to visit, Allie and Iggy, MEGSY, Box (again) and hopefully Erin A.
tata for now bitches

it's just like riding a bike...

2004-09-13T00:05:00.000-05:00

the following is a direct quote from soccerjo, in reference to her first comment in this prestigious web log:

SoCCeRjo13: its not very good, but it's my first time.
SoCCeRjo13: i'll get better, its just like giving BJ's

thank you soccerjo, for your wonderful insight.

My Alter Ego

2004-09-11T19:00:00.000-05:00

I'm currently dealing with a recent realization that my drinking habit has developed another alternate personality. First, I asked myself: When did I acquire this alter ego? Well, my ultimate conclusion is that it began freshman year when I made out with that Greek dude Demietri. It was Kathryn’s fault. She was the triggering agent, who said: “Do these shots with me.” And I said, “Ok.” Much to Yianna’s sister’s dismay, I began sucking Demietri’s face in a local Georgetown pub. I can’t remember the rest, obviously. But as recent events began to unfold, such as the Orga’s 21 at Dewey Beach/Rusty Rudder incident, I slowly became aware of she who is named “Katinkaingabagovinanana- the raging wanton sex goddess.”

Its kinda like how Clark Kent turns into Superman (only in a totally inappropriate and destructive fashion). Instead of going into a clean phone booth, I venture into the puke-stained bathroom. At the first sign of danger (which constitutes an almost perpetually existent line with the CHANCE of sobering up), I finish whatever the hell is in my flask (be it whisky and soap from the earlier inadequate cleaning job I did, or just warm McCormicks) that was either ducktaped to my inner thighs or stuffed between my boobs (as was the case during graduation when it fell out right in front of Dean Hoseley-nice one Katinka, we almost didn’t graduate). Its always good to note that I had already done the necessary shots (all 12 of those prairie fires) without dinner, and had drank some automechanic with a lisp under the table.

Suddenly, I come out of the bathroom. My skirt is hiked up so high, anyone could see the beginning of my drunk and wanting vulva. And my boobs are so pushed together, my nipples are making out with each other.

Wait. Who’s that moshing in the front at a Richard Marx concert? It’s a whore! It’s a drunk! No! Its both! Its Katinkaingabagovinanana. She’s faster than any angry bouncer. She can leap over the bar in a single bound to make herself her own drink the way she likes it: whisky. And she does whatever or WHOEVER she wants because for some reason physics and the other rules that govern the rest of the universe don’t apply to her for those few hours before she wakes up in an airport gate with a sprained ankle, a bruised inner thigh, and has no clue as to why she’s wearing only a Richard Marx t-shirt that says: “To Katinka.. with love, your naughty Richie boy.”

Upon impending asexual behavior due to Katinka’s life-ruining actions, I bestow this unnecessary, but “good for stories later” behavior on Aimee Bromgood, who is already filling my shoes quite nicely and better than I might have previously anticipated.

when google attacks...

2004-09-10T15:22:00.000-05:00

through no fault of my own, i have a lot of down time at work. usually i end up emailing jen box all day about nothing, or play various levels of diablo II, thus raising my geek level to terror alert orange.

however, today i had a problem. my coworker is on the gaming computer, and jen box has left work to go relive her youth at college as she rapidly becomes "that girl" by visiting her alma matter way too often. as of now, i can't afford to by anything on ebay, and i can't get addictinggames.com to work, so i decided to entertain myself by googling names. the following are sites that contain the names of those who are members of this fun little web log. enjoy!

erin mcmahan <---funny, because i figured she'd help cause it instead...
jennifer cox <---personal favorite
jennifer cox (2) <---i mean, come on now. make sure you click on the birthday link to see the family too!
soccerjo <--- hahahahahahahahahahaha...
maria hogg <---- the subject content is moderately funny, however, it's funnier when you find the score that maria hogg has. it's really appropriate. think of a really funny number. heh.

i suggest we keep a running list of these sites. so look for a later installment of when google attacks...

top five reasons why beer is better than sex

2004-09-10T12:54:00.000-05:00

5.) i won't get arrested if i go to the store to buy beer.
4.) nobody has told me to try and drink myself before i shrivel up and die.
3.) drinking a beer does not bring my sexuality into question.
2.) i can drink multiple beers at a time without being a slut.

and the #1 reason why beer is better than sex:

1.) i can actually get beer. whenever i want.

all-terrain strollers: the SUV of the mall

2004-09-09T12:52:00.000-05:00

i have this problem.

well, i have a lot of problems, but i'm just emphasizing this particular one since my rise to global superpower is rapidly approaching and i need to mentally prepare the changes i will make.

i was in the mall the other day shopping for sports bras and socks [which, incidently, are entirely too over priced...thirty six dollars for a god damn piece of fabric that keeps my small chest in place is ridiculous...especially since i'm just going to sweat in it anyway...but that's another story for another time] when i turned a corner around a clothing rack and WHAM! i felt as if i was just hit by a mack truck...but oh, i was mistaken. after enduring a dirty look from an overly-made up woman who has spent entirely too much time in a tanning booth [serously, her face was screaming skin cancer], i glanced down and was horrified at what i saw.

i found myself staring at quite possibly the largest and most elaborate stroller ever created.

perhaps i should pause here to state what i feel should be the general rules when using a stroller in a public place.

1.) strollers should not be wider than the individual pushing them. children are generally smaller than adults [i say generally, because as you know, there are many fat kids out there], so therefore if you can't fit your ass through an aisle, what makes you think you can push a stroller through? this keeps the flow of mall traffic moving nicely, as tiny mall walkways are not blocked with steel, wheels, and toys. also, this in turn covers situations where the child pushes his or her own stroller. they should NEVER be allowed to do this, because they are horrible drivers and end up running into me.

2.) wheels of the stroller should not exceed eight inches in diameter. there is no good reason for you to have snow tires on your stroller. last time i checked, jc penny's hasn't had a blizzard in over a century. and if you decide to take your child for a walk when there is an ice storm/blizzard occuring, you have bigger issues concerning your parenting ability.

3.) the child's feet should never, under any circumstances, touch the ground. this means your child is too old to be in a stroller and can walk on their own. if they can't walk for too long, TOO BAD. don't take them out. or don't make them such pussies. if your kid can read while he's being pushed in a stroller, he doesn't need the fucking stroller.

4.) a stroller should not have it's own entertainment center. what ever happened to a kid just having one toy, a baggie of cheerios, and a few diapers? i've seen strollers packed as if they were camels on a 40 day trip through the desert. tons of toys, books, snacks, water, juice boxes, stuffed animals, blankets, clothing, kilos of cocaine, baby wipes, mobiles, and various other objects that someone might need at a random, unlikely time. these strollers are pimped out. i'm surprised there isn't a tv show about how they restructured the body to inlay a 7 inch tv screen.

these rules are not just limited to mall situations. they are applicable to any public place, such as restaurants, boardwalks, movie theaters, grocery stores, etc.

needless to say, the monster truck of all strollers broke every one of these basic rules. the girl [who was at least three years old] was sitting there throwing a tantrum [in complete sentences] about what snack she wanted [because she had choices] as her mother [who wants people to thinks she's rich because she has all these things, yet she's shopping in champs] tried to navigate through a tight path of racks [often catching the clothing on the stroller and pulling them off the hangers] but couldn't because the ATS (all-terrain stroller) was too wide for the aisles. my favorite was the dirty look i got, since, you know, it's my fault satan's child needs to have a god damn escalade to traverse through the mall. i mean, last time i checked, pedestrians have the right of way. and i had the disadvantage anyhow since the stroller practically had a god damned ROLL CAGE. but. you know. i could have hurt her baby as i rubbed the newly forming bruise on my shin.

this problem is a results of parents being too over protective and too worried about the happiness of their children. this is why young kids don't have the ability to entertain themselves or THINK...at all. the claim "well, it just makes it easier" is insufficient in my book. easier? for who? because i'm pretty sure your stroller just gave me whiplash and is blocking all traffic in the area.

so the day i become the unquestioned czar of the world, these strollers will be deemed illegal, and will be punishable by death. that would teach those little fat kids and their vagina-fied parents.

My Review of Anacondas: Hunt for the Blood Orchid

2004-09-07T18:48:00.000-05:00

This sequel is a generous effort to prolong the anguish of intelligent movie goers and to continue the legacy engaged by its previous attempt at inventing reasons to make J-Lo wet and dirty. I love both of the movies. Where else can you see an impossibly large non-venomous snake utterly devour the dude in the movie that nobody likes? But is it funnier to see that dude everyone likes get snatched up? I’d have to go with the demise of the latter character in question. Its those predictable twists in movie plots that really make them enjoyable, don’t you think?

In my opinion, the second was the most favorable for numerous reasons; those being:
1. The unequivocally high ratio of hot guys to girls made me wonder if the movie was geared to a homosexual male audience. And in no case am I complaining. Just cut my hair, put me in leather, and call me Mr. Slave. I LOVE HOMOSEXUALS!
2. The number of ridiculously hot people was also at an all time high with my “GOOD LORD EVERYONE IN THIS MOVIE WOULD GET IT RAW” rating. I mean, c’mon, the boat captain was the dark-haired chick’s bf with the pierced ya-goo-goo from The Sweetest Thing. And the chic he ended up with looked like the blonde-haired Dr. Erin (awesome) from ER, but with a southern drawl. I said: “Jesus, who cast this movie?!” And then He said: “I did it for you, ya dirtay bitch.” Then I said “Thanks”
3. In an unprecedented and bold move, the genious script writer placed the climax scene ABOVE A PIT FULL OF MATING ANACONDAS. They were just in a ball, screwing. I gotta say: think I’m into snakes now. Well, not really, but ok yah.

I give this movie a rating of “FUCK YEAH GO SEE IT WASTED”

put the burger down, junior

2004-09-07T10:50:00.000-05:00

i hate little fat kids. i do. they're a waste of space and fried foods.

far be it for me to question the way anyone raises their child, since i am 22, have no children of my own, and tend to scare the ones that aren't mine, but i'd like to think i'd never squeeze out a little porker.

don't get me wrong. i am well aware that baby fat exists, and the fact that some people, no matter what they do, will have a little extra junk in the trunk thanks to genetics. i am instead referring to the ten year old boys and girls who are so morbidly obese that they have NO WRISTS, have trouble wiping their own ass, and have bigger tits on their back than i do on my chest. [incidently, i'm aware i don't have a huge rack. the point is, they shouldn't have tits on their back.]

so where do we go from here? should this trend continue, when i am old and grey i fear my walker and old-person-scooter will become lodged in a fold of a thirteen year old boy double fisting big macs with extra secret sauce. i don't think my pace maker and synthetic liver will be able to take it.

so instead of plopping junior in front of the tv after having three happy meals, tie him to the clothes line outside so he can run back and forth...but remember...keep the string short enough so he can't sit down. if he ends up strangling himself with the string because he ran around the pole too many times, well, natural selection did it's job. if he survives, fire fruit and vegetables at him with a tennisball server, and when he's hungry enough he'll eat them. he may hate you...and he may hate the imprints of eggplant and mango on his portly belly...but he'll thank you in the long run. it's called tough love. any emotional scarring is a result of the kid being a huge vagina.

but, if all else fails, make him take up smoking. if he's going to have a horrible vice, a blackened lung is easier to replace than entire circulatory system clogged with french fries and fatty cow parts.

i'm sure at this point, i am now destined to have a child with the worst thyroid problem ever recorded.

post-college mortem

2004-09-03T15:19:00.000-05:00

as far as i'm concerned, every good thing has it's own inevitable backlash. up has it's down, life has it's death, and alcohol has it's hangover. one comes with the other, and is unavoidable.

however, speaking of substance abuse, perhaps the biggest backlash i've faced yet is the year after graduating college. it seems rather cruel that for four years, a person lives in an aesthetically pleasing world, indulging in any vice available at any given time...and suddenly in a matter of hours is ripped from that paradise and thrown into what is called THE REAL WORLD. i don't necessarily care for that phrase, as it insinuates college life is relatively fake (i mean, it is, in a sense. which is another story for another time.) the initial transition is easy, but it builds up over time like rancid canned food: expanding, until it's smelly explosion.

so now, being out of college for four months, i've been a part of "THE REAL WORLD"...if by "real" they mean painfully boring and pointless. before, working two jobs was necessary to pay for frivolous expenses like mid-day binge drinking or all you can eat crab feasts. but now i find myself working two jobs solely to pass the time, since attending an out of state college left me with no friends within a 100 mile radius.

living alone is no longer the same. where once it was necessary to fight tooth and nail to get a single room, it is now exactly the opposite...practically begging others to be roommates in a mediocre apartment that doesn't include utilities.

so what once was a day with hours of beer pong, crank calls, and food fights is now reduced to typing endlessly on an obsolete computer, limited lunch hours, and annoying coworkers. only now, you can't just go back to your single.

so as all my younger friends venture back to school, i'm reminded that i'm stuck here, in a low paying, unsatisfying job in which the money will be used to pay for health insurance instead of beer. and while i wish to go back frequently...i feel it'll be as if i'm a post-menopausal woman longing after the pool boy...just one more feeble and embarassing grasp at my youth. i cant wait to see that backlash.